The basics of communication is a two-way street with varying forms of transmitting and receiving devices.  This is the technical terms for it, however, you also have to consider the openness of the devices, the clarity of the message, and various forms of encoding and decoding.

Interpretation

If I’m with my husband and feel like a latte or tea while passing by a coffee shop, I will ask him, “Do you want a coffee?”.   If he says “No thanks” -  We may not get the coffee.  Why?  Because men often think in terms of actual’s rather than would-be’s.  I’ve actually noticed this case in many couples and in my own relationship where I can’t interpret his “No” as a ruling, but only as an answer to my question - period.  If I want my own drink, I would have to say further, “OK, but I want one, so either wait here or get me one.” 

I can see where some women will get upset because they may see their husbands as not thinking of their needs either.  A woman was kind enough to consider the caffeine need of their spouse and a logical extension (to a woman’s mind) is that the husband extends it back by saying, “No thanks, do you want a coffee?”  Sometimes, my husband will say this back, but I shouldn’t wholly depend on it.  Although, somehow throughout the years, he’s gotten better and so have I. 

You can reverse the roles because there are times that he will ask me first to which I merely answer: “No thanks, but if you want one, let’s stop in and get one.”  Without this type of extension of the conversation, the situation can get nasty in which the woman doesn’t voice her need and is upset at her husband for not seeing this need and the husband gets upset at his wife for being upset at something which could have been resolved by simply speaking further.  More simply said, wives expect their partners to understand them more to be able to read their moods and minds (geez, after all these years) and viceversa, husbands expect their partners to understand them more to be able to just SAY IT ALREADY.

Understanding

The classic to this is the “Do I look fat?” question.  When a woman asks, “Do I look fat?” to their partner - they aren’t expecting a “yes” or “no” answer.  This question is really a prelude to a sensitively handled response in which the partner dismisses the fat question and reinforces their love and acceptance of the woman regardless of what she’s wearing and then further compliments how good she looks.  This is not always the case, but this question is tricky to handle.  I don’t need to ask “Do I look fat?” to my husband - he will outright tell me that I look fat in certain pants and dresses.  To which, I will dismiss because I may be flabby, but I am definitely not fat.  Although I will take his comments to a certain degree of validity because maybe from a more conservative culture, he does have a point. 

Woman aren’t expecting solutions from their problems (initially).  More often than not, when a woman brings a problem to her husband, she’s expecting emotional support.  Bring in exhibit B.  I will tell my husband, “Co-worker X is being a pain in the butt again today.  You can’t imagine the politics in the company, yada yada yada… “  A two-minute heart-breaking spill of the pain I had to endure at work today.  To which he will respond, “Escalate to her manager.”  Right.  That wasn’t what I was looking for.  “You haven’t been listening.”  I will tell him.  And then, conveniently, I will pull in other reasons why I think he doesn’t listen to me at all.  Sounds familiar eh?  Well, it’s because as woman, we expect emotional support and agreement for our feelings before looking for solutions.  Whereas for men, they cut out the emotional and go right for the solution.  This is why woman who speak with woman on issues like this will get the emotional support they need and that’s why girlfriends make such great bitching outlets. 

I’ve come to learn that my husband isn’t the best outlet for garnering emotional support.  My sisters and girlfriends are.  So if I’m on fire because of an issue, I won’t call my husband (sorry honey) first.  Sometimes, I just need to vent and other woman will lend that supportive ear that I’m looking for.  I don’t need a solution right now, I just need to have a seriously good bitching session to get it off my chest.  This doesn’t mean that my husband can’t act as an outlet either.  I just have to prep him to let him know what to expect and what I am expecting in return from the conversation.  This helps air out any potential miscommunication that may lead me flying off on tangents and biting off his head instead.

The Big Man

My husband’s friends will ask him, “You free tonight?  Let’s go grab some drinks.”  In front of me, my husband will respond, “Yah sure, I’ll call you later to confirm.”  To which I will be thinking, “so what about me?”  The default answer is that I will probably go to bed early after reading to my children and so drinks would definitely not be on my agenda.  But even if my husband knows this, he could still involve me and make me feel better?  Or at least consider my feelings? 

In public, my husband is the classic joker and attention seeking maniac that I fell in love with.  At home, I totally don’t see that (well, not all of it).  I think most men need to be able to show that they don’t need to ask their wives for every little thing (especially infront of their friends).  They need to show that they are well-detached enough and in control of their relationship enough to be able to make decisions without the wifey.  Whereas for woman, I will let my invitation counterpart know that I involve my husband and want to respond after asking his availability.  I find that my husband likes and prefers to have “guy-time” with just guys.  This could be that he has single friends and well, the dynamics of the situation is just different.  Fine, I give him the space he needs to be a real “guy” - but I still have to put my foot down on responsibilities.  If he knows that he has to help me take care of the kids the next morning and yet still go out late drinking - cool.  So long as he is able to commit to his duties, I will gladly allow him to free reign on his time spent. 

In general, setting expectations is probably one way of overcoming miscommunication.  Women and men communicate very differently and this is something that both sides should acknowledge and be aware of.  I think it’s so much easier to deal with life if you are clear and concise of your needs.  I know I used to encrypt everything I said hoping that my husband would be smart enough to cue in, but most men just aren’t built with the right equipment to decrypt the type of encryption women use.  My husband calls it AM vs FM and he’s right.  I have been up since 4:00 AM this morning because of a crazy dog a neighbour has on a balcony.  This dog wouldn’t stop barking and I literally wanted to run across the street to the other building to complain to their management.  However, after speaking to my security guard downstairs, they have sent someone to investigate.  When my husband wakes up, I know that if I go and bitch to him about this (and I could go on for about 10 minutes), he’ll merely ask me what I wish to do and join me in doing it (which he already knows is to go next door and file an official complain with their management).  He won’t pat my back, give me a hug or sit attentively listening to my bitching.  So, I’m going to call my sister instead.  I can’t expect my husband to install an FM decoder because even if he tries, the results just aren’t the same as going to someone who fully understands the type of decoding I need.