I’m very flattered by the amount of inquiries and comments I’m getting on my previous article “How to Hire a Domestic Helper in Hong Kong“.  I’m also glad that I am able to provide assistance where I can in an area where there isn’t much public information on the whole picture in English.

As an aside, I’ve been getting many questions about “How I Trained My Domestic Helper”.  I do mention that I (or other parties, like my mother and mother-in-law) helped in training her.  It’s nothing like a formal program, but it is an exhaustive and extensive in-house, customized, 24-hour running program that is still going on.

I’ll outline a few areas that we focus on and how we managed to “train” her.  First, I”ll define “train”.  “Train” to me simply means teaching her the ins and outs of our family lifestyle and how we live.  Of course, it’s a two-way street, and sometimes I do give her autonomy to cook her favourite foods or decide how to set her cleaning schedule, but keep in mind that this type of trust is earned and not explicitly implied from the beginning of employment.  This is why I do sit down with my domestic helper and go through rules, because that is part of the training.  Let me explain:

Rules

RULES.  This is the first thing I will do with all of my helpers (the current one has been with me for 9 months and I am very happy with her).  You have to set some ground rules because it is afterall your house.  You actually have rules for your whole household, but because it’s become common sense, you don’t need to write it down.  But for someone who comes from a different culture, background, upbringing with a different set of common sense, you need to lay it all out at the beginning.  This includes appropriate time to come home, the definition of private property, usage of household equipment, monetary distribution (incentives of bonus), breach of contract, disciplinary actions for the children, scheduling - everything.  Don’t leave a thing out.  It’s better to loosen the reign later than to tighten it.

Cooking

Everyone has a particular way of cooking and a preference for what they eat.  OK, maybe not everyone, but most people.  I am particularly anal about what I eat and how it is cooked.  In fact, I’d rather cook it myself because I enjoy cooking.  However, due to time restraints, my helper cooks - but through months and months of training.  My family literally stood beside her and for months on end, showedher how to make different soups and favourite dishes.  Everything starts out as a demonstration and then a hands-on training, and then merely observation.  You can imagine how long this will take because of the never-ending list of favourite foods.  Some people have great cooks in their domestic helper - I applaud and congratulate you and will invite myself to join your for dinner every night.  My DH - hmm, her cooking is weak (but it’s not the end of the world).

It’s funny because she also has her interpretation of foods.  And she often forgets - which means we have to re-train pretty often.  The Chinese like to eat ”Fried Tomatos with Eggs”.  We’ve taught it to her numerous times, but because we haven’t eaten it for awhile, I suggested we eat that.  She literally ended up frying 4 over easy eggs and surrounded them with tomatos.  We all laughed.  The real recipe calls for scrambled eggs.  Needless to say, we still ate it and with a gentle reminder that this recipe is off-the-wall, she made it correctly the next time.

If your DH has poor memory.  Get her to write it down.  A pen and notebook will suffice and get her to write it in her native tongue.  Poor memory is not an excuse in getting things wrong.  Imagine how your boss would grill your ass if you repeatedly did things wrong that someone’s already taught you!  Find a solution then.

Another thing I’d like to add here is to train her to deal with medical issues in the house.  Because my husband is prone to gout, you have to be very specific in what he can and can’t eat.  This is why I plan the menu - every time.  For people who have children who are allergic to food, I would completely take this precaution as well.  Don’t keep anything in the house that they are allergic to (even Peanut Butter for yourself) because you are introducing RISK.  The DH can’t remember everything like a mother does, so throw it out to eliminate any possibilities.

Item Placement and Re-organization

One of the easiest ways to train them in getting used to how you live is to have them re-organize the whole house.  Literally.  It’s a necessary and tedius chore, but it reaps great benefits in the long run.  I got my DH to take out every piece of clothing from the cupboards and drawers and re-fold them.  Even the underwear.  You can do it with her and clean out your closet at the same time - it’s a very useful task.  However, if they are the ones who are ironing and washing and putting away your clothes, than they should know where they go and not make it hide-and-seek for you when you’re rushing late for work.  I HATE THAT.

Apply this to other areas of your house - especially the kitchen.  Over time, she’ll dominate the kitchen (even if you’re cooking).  She’ll probably know better than you where your stuff is!  Again, clean it all out, wipe down the cupboards and drawers and explain the items as you go along.  You’d be surprised that they don’t know what the red liquid is (red vinegar) or that you can’t keep Nutella in the fridge or horseradish does go in the fridge.   Again, they can’t remember everything at once, but you’ve set a basis for learning and reminder, reminder, reminder, reminder.

Schedule

Some people can write down a schedule (hour by hour if need be) for the DH.  I recommend this for employers who aren’t home from the onset.  Since I was a stay-at-home mother when my DH arrived, I didn’t need a written schedule, but I did have an idea of how her schedule would be.

You have to set a time to wake-up.  Just like you report to the office at a certain time, the same applies to the household.  Mine wakes up at 6:00 AM everyday.  My children wake up at 6:00 AM everyday.  This is life in my house.  I don’t have a set time for her to go to bed.  On most days, I’m in bed before she is because I sleep at 9:00 PM.  As long as she gets her stuff done, it doesn’t matter when she retires to her room.  See, I am completely results-oriented.  This is why I shun people who stay late at work for the sake of staying late.

Set the expectations.  Once you set expectations for what you expect to be done when, it makes life easier.  Don’t surprise her - it’s not fair.  When we go out, I will tell my DH when to expect us home and so on and so forth so she can plan her day accordingly.

Cleaning

I have a few rules that are strict when it comes to cleaning.  I don’t care how my bathroom is cleaned or how often the tub is scrubbed, but I do care how the children’s play area and toys are handled.  Most DH training back in their home country will have them wiping everyday - so I would stay stick to it, unless you don’t want something to be cleaned everyday.

Tell her how to clean if need be.  This applies mainly to electronics.  This is where I get my husband involved.  He values his precious LCD television - so I get him to explain to our helper how to clean it.  No water, no windex - just dry wipe.  And he hovers over her as she does it (HAHAHA).  But yes, get your other family members involved in their area of expertise - this is really a team effort.

And as time goes on - repeat, repeat, repeat.  I feel like a broken record player, but it’s worth it because it makes my life much easier in the long run.

Children

The most important part of her job is to ensure the saftey and well-being of the children.  As a start, make sure you have all their IDs, vaccinations, doctor contacts, and hospital contacts in a place (and up-to-date) where she can find them and use them.  This should be a document that is part of the rules.

Then you give her the run down on your kids.  Again, this training takes lots of time and patience, but this person is helping out tremendously.  I still don’t let my helper bathe the kids or put them to sleep or feed them, but this is my anal-me-control-freak-mother who resists this.  I know this is not the case for most helpers, but my helper is cool with it and respects my wishes in this matter and will simply assist to clothe them and prepare the bath.  I love how she doesn’t interfere with our bonding.  You have to be firm and consistent for them to have set expectations.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.  I also teach my DH how to discipline my children.  Although no one is as harsh as I am, she will voice out when the children are beating up on each other or they have done something naughty.

Harmony

I think I touch on this point in all my DH articles.  You’re trying to create a balance of living with a stranger in your house hold.  This is NOT an easy task.  In fact, you won’t achieve complete integration because you’ll always have this employer-employee relationship.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t and won’t break this barrier.  I did try to break this down with my first two DHs, but found that it made the working relationship difficult.  I don’t make and keep friends that easily - even if they are living with me.  But I do have harmony with my DH.  We have a very, very good understanding with each other and she literally stays out of my way and merely does her job.  We don’t discuss personal things very deeply and there is mutual respect for each other’s privacy.  As long as she performs her duties, I’m cool with it.

Finding the right DH takes time.  They don’t come pre-trained, even if they have been working for many years in HK.  That’s because they don’t come pre-trained for your household.  Give praise where praise is due and sometimes, if my helper does something wrong, I will make her fix it rather than scold or berate her.  Use the bonus system wisely and when necessary, but also consider giving bonus in the form of donations to her or buying her things she needs rather than monetary (although that is what they want).  I try not to make money the end all or be all of life for them and give her room to grow - as a person.

That pretty much sums up what I did to train her.  It’s very extensive and it’s never-ending.  Like I said, I know I’m a control freak, but I think my helper knows that too! :P  Some how, through this learning, we’ve come to a silent understanding of each other and the rest of the family to live in harmony and peace.  My husband says that I expect too much of my employees (and co-workers), but I tend to disagree.  This is who I am and although I don’t expect perfection, I do expect progress and growth - even in myself.